Lately, I've been questioning God a lot. Not because I'm doubting His plan or perspective, but because I want to know why certain things happen the way they have. As I'm studying John, I'm really spending a lot of time bringing these questions to the Lord. The story of Lazarus really tripped me up - like why did Jesus wait until Lazarus had already died to heal him? His family had already begun grieving, their hearts had already broken, and Jesus could have prevented that. And I think about my own life, areas that I felt so confident that the Lord had spoken into, and those same areas have now completely fallen apart.
I know that God has a purpose for all of this, and I trust it, but recently I've really, really, really wanted to know that purpose. In my mind, it feels like maybe the hurt would hurt a little bit less if I understood God's "why". Maybe if I saw the outcome or the reasons, it would ease the pain and confusion and grief.
Unfortunately, God has not sat down with me and explained everything. He hasn't laid out my life over the past month and detail how He's working even when I can't see it. He hasn't even given me a glimpse of why anything has happened. I've been searching for answers to find none.
One night that I was really wrestling with God, I was flipping through one of my old notebooks. Initially, I was incredibly discouraged because in this notebook, I had written countless prayers and exchanges with the Lord. I so confidently believed He was speaking into a specific relationship, yet that relationship actually blew up in my face. And I don't understand why.
But when I closed my notebook and closed my eyes to pray, I suddenly was filled with peace and had a glimpse of clarity. Not because I found answers, but because I found Jesus.
You see, my closet is filled with countless notebooks that I began writing in probably while I was still in elementary school. I journaled and prayed, took notes over what I was reading in Scripture - and I have faithfully, for who knows how long. Throughout many of these pages, I'm asking for answers or clarity or hope or peace. Usually, I don't get all of that, but as you read each and every page, you can tell how my intimacy with the Lord and my faith is growing rapidly. As notebooks go on, the questions get deeper and my prayers more vulnerable. My entire faith journey is documented in these notebooks.
And I realized how precious this is. Even when I am left with no answers, I have physical reminders of God's faithfulness and how He has brought me this far. Even without any clarity on my current situation, I look back and I see that God had never left me or failed me. I understood, for the first time, that God's presence is more of a blessing than any answer. I have communed with the Almighty God for years, and I have wrestled and doubted but He has come through time and time again. I've cried and yelled and danced for joy, and still He is constant. I have an active and alive relationship with someone who thought I was to die for, and daily we meet and talk and share.
That is priceless.
No answer is worth that. No answer can love me the way Jesus has loved me. No answer can provide me peace beyond understanding, freedom from my heaviest chains, joy in any circumstance. No answer is greater than the power of God.
So if I have to choose between understanding everything with all the answers or living in relationship with God, I have to choose God.
Hands down. Every time.
This realization significantly shifted my attitude in prayer. I'm learning to appreciate and enjoy the journey of walking with Jesus instead of longing for the destination, answer, or miracle. It's not easy, and I still find myself wanting to know how it's going to work out or why it happened the way it did, but I'm walking in a new peace because I'm confident that God is good, and with or without the answers, nothing can change that. Praise God!
Whether you're in a waiting season or not, what characteristic of God are you grateful for right now? What's He teaching you? Let me know down in the comments below; I'd love to learn alongside you!
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