My people see me and know me as a happy, happy girl, always on top of the world and "thriving and vibing", as I often say. And I love this.
However.
The perfectionist in me (the one we talked about here) takes this to the extreme. I decide that I must fit into this box, constantly, with no room for error or stretching or changing. I do this to myself sometimes. I try to label myself and confine my character, my personality into this little word that really could never encompass everything I am and everything I am becoming.
Happy. Put together. Runner. Injured. Cheerleader. Hurting. Healing. Girlfriend. Single. Best friend.
You see, all of these things describe me (or have described me at some point). All of these are part of who I am or have been, and they are beautiful, beautiful parts of me. I am so thankful for every part of my story, both good and bad, but what I seem to forget is that I am constantly changing, constantly learning, constantly growing, and constantly becoming. I cannot be defined by one word, and I cannot expect myself to never sway from that label. I will not always be happy, injured, hurting, or single. I will not always be put together, a runner, or healing.
So, when I find myself changing or not fitting into this tight little box of a label, instead of trying to force myself to reverse my growth to remain the same, or instead of trying to put a stop sign in the middle of my journey simply because I feel more comfortable in this box, I want to pause. I want to pause and enjoy it.
Every moment, God is continuing to shape and mold me into the godly, courageous, joyful woman He desires me fully to become one day. That means that I will often be changing, learning and growing. I will often discover new parts of myself, of my character and of my personality and abandon old ones. Just like we find new clothes and exchange the old fits for the new ones, I am allowed to continue to be evolving as a person.
And so are you.
This means that every day, I may not be my happiest self. Every day, I may not be my most put together self. Every day, I may not fit into whatever label I've decided to define myself as, and that is perfectly okay.
Because truthfully, the only label I want to live with each and every day, without fail, is this one: "Jesus follower".
I don't know if any of y'all ever struggle with this or feel the same way, but it felt good to release some of that, so thank you for listening. :)
Another really huge thing that I've had to wrestle with is understanding that joy and sadness/grief/feeling bleh can indeed coexist.
As I put these expectations of labels on myself, and I don't live up to them, I begin to question what's wrong with me or if everything I've worked for up until now has been wasted. (I'm dramatic, I know.) But it's a real struggle. I tell myself that if I'm not happy 24/7, then I must be doing something wrong, or I'm not "living my best life" anymore, or maybe I just need to try harder. I felt on top of the world for so long, that now that I'm being brought down to earth a little bit and dealing with real life emotions again, it's hard to give myself the space to feel that way.
Maybe this is another "just me" issue, but I want you to know that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel plus joy. I truly believe that right now, I am in one of the best places spiritually and emotionally that I've ever been. I am living my best life and still have some bad days (and eh days). "My best life" or "thriving and vibing" doesn't mean that it's not hard sometimes. That doesn't mean that there aren't a few days (or weeks) here and there that aren't exactly effortless, and that's okay. You don't need to fix your emotions or move on and skip to the good stuff, because there is joy and purpose right here in this place. Oftentimes there is very little hard heart work or growth that happens in the "on top of the world" places, so just remember that when you feel a little bit less than 100% happy, this might be an opportunity for you to grow and heal.
Or, it might just be an off day/week/month, and that's okay too. Let's normalize allowing ourselves to move and flow and feel and change.
It is my prayer that this post encouraged you, wherever you're at, and that you would be reminded that wherever you're at is a good place to be. We get so caught up in chasing the mountain top highs that we miss so many opportunities to grow and simply be content in this everchanging, ever-evolving, beautiful life. You are allowed to have off days or less than perfect days, and you should not ever feel pressure to fit into a single role or label or box because you are so much more than that. Let's break those expectations and standards and start simply living our lives, enjoying each and moment of the journey that we are on, because we're on it with Jesus, and that means that the highs and lows are all creating a beautiful purpose.
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