I'm in a season where God seems a little bit far and I feel very confused. My mind feels so full that it's empty, and I'm struggling to process some of the heart issues that I need to. This has created a huge dilemma in my relationship with Jesus. I feel so broken, so dirty, so guilty, as if I'm falling apart, that I don't want to try to come near to Him in fear that He's mad at me or upset that I'm not doing things right. I'm afraid to be such a vulnerable version of myself, because usually I pride myself in self-awareness, maturity, and being "put together".
This attitude has left me not running after Jesus when that's the very first thing I need to be doing.
I know better, but I feel that I need to understand what God wants me to do and obey that so that He will be proud of me and love me. I feel like my lack of knowing or peace or obedience is going to make God stop loving me and somehow thwarting His plan for my life. (If only I had so much power.) I wrestle with myself and my wild thoughts, attempting to pull myself together and become somewhat in place so that I can come to the feet of Jesus. I don't want to be a crazed, scatterbrained mess in front of the Almighty.
But recently I was confronted with so much grace that completely dismantled these lies.
All I have to do is come to Jesus, as I am, with whatever I have. Sometimes all I have is not very much, and I have to ask Him for grace and for help and for prayer because I don't have the words to pray for myself. Sometimes all I have is a worship song and my hands held high, because I have faith that He is still good and He is still God no matter what. And sometimes I'm at my peak, and I'm prayerful and on top of the world, and that's great too. But it doesn't always look like that, and that's okay.
Jesus wants to meet me and you in the middle of our messes. He wants to hold our hand and our heart and lead us through the valley and the darkness. He wants to speak truth over the lies that make their way into our minds. He wants to challenge and convict us so lovingly, covering us in wisdom and discernment because He wants the best for us. He invites us in, into relationship and covenant with Him, just as we are.
And sometimes I come with the very little I have, and I still don't feel His presence and I still don't feel His voice. Sometimes I come and I don't walk away with a new revolution or a new peace. That's okay too, because my lack of happy, over the moon feelings do not indicate the absence of God. God is so much bigger than my feelings, and He is present no matter what my emotions tell me. But what matters is that I keep showing up in faith that a breakthrough will come, trusting that clarity and peace is on its way, and believing that the Father has not once left or abandoned me.
This is messy. I do not have a put together faith. My prayers and thoughts are scattered, and I have yet to get rid of every doubt or lie that has snuck into my mind. My heart is cracked and in some places broken and bitter. I feel as if Christ has hung a "work in progress" sign on my back, because man, I am so far from put together.
Yet there is beauty in that. There is grace in my imperfection and flaws. I'm beginning to see the love, the growth, the healing in my own life. I'm learning to appreciate the flowers blooming in the most hurt parts of my soul, the little bits of sunshine glowing through the dark parts of my anxious mind. I'm understanding that "work in progress" doesn't mean not beautiful, unloved, or neglected - it means that the Father is taking His time to refine and heal me. That is beyond a blessing, let me tell you.
So come to Jesus, just as you are. Even if it's broken and falling apart and even if you have no words to ask Him for what you need - come that way, too. He accepts you, He loves you, and He welcomes you, just like that. Even if you don't feel it in that moment, He wraps His arms around you and chooses you, because He sees past the scars, the sin, and the fear to the beautiful, priceless girl (or guy) that He so carefully handcrafted.
There is grace for you, here, sweet friend. Flaws, imperfections, sin and all.
Welcome to the table.
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