My heart has been hurting lately, and I've been wrestling with so many dark, heavy things. And in the midst of this, God has felt so far. I feel so alone in the dark thoughts and the anxiety, and I'm lost as to where God has been this whole time. I don't know why it feels like He hasn't helped me or at least encouraged me in some way. I don't know why He feels so absent when I need Him so badly. I don't know why He hasn't shown me His strength when I feel so, so weak on my own.
I finally got the courage to sit down and tell God all of these things, tell Him how I feel. I told Him that honestly, I'm a little bit mad and I'm a little bit disappointed. It feels so very wrong to tell that to the God of the universe, but I said it, and I have faith that He loves me even though those are some big, difficult feelings.
I'm still processing all of this and there's still heart work that desperately needs to be done. But I'm learning to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be mad at God. It's okay to be disappointed and confused and frustrated. It's okay to wrestle with Him.
When I bring this to the Lord, all of my anger and hurt and questions, a weight lifts off of my shoulders. There's a relief, like I don't have to hide it anymore and I don't have to pretend. And there's peace, despite the swirling of less than happy feelings, because my spirit is reminded that God is still good, and He still loves me, and He wants to meet me where I'm at.
And He does. The Father meets me in my anger and frustration, and together, we work through it. I don't find the answers as to where He's been, but I'm encouraged that the Holy Spirit is advocating for me in every moment, especially when I can't pray for myself. My heart is content with all of the things that I've been so confident of all my life, and I resolve to keep trusting, keep choosing, keep believing, even when it feels like it would be easier to give up.
If you're feeling mad at God today, I want you to know that it's okay. You're allowed to feel that way. He's not upset with you, and He's not mad at you. Bring it to Him, lay it at His feet, and walk with Him through it. The Father still welcomes you and all of the messy feelings. It's not too big for Him, and He's not afraid of it.
That's it.
I'm not going to give you a checklist to get over your feelings. I don't have a solution or answer to all of the problems. I don't always understand why God works the way He does. This isn't a lesson that I've conquered and mastered and moved on from. I'm walking through it too, but I'm trying to walk through it with Jesus, and I think that sometimes, that's the best thing that we can do.
Despite all of the things I don't know or have answers to, here's what I do know, and what I'm clinging to:
God is good, all the time. His faithfulness has been constant for always and forever, and He's not about to switch up on me.
God has never left me. He is always here, always with me, dwelling in me. I don't serve a God who will abandon me.
This feeling is not forever, and it's not the whole picture.
There is grace for you here. God's not mad at you, no, He's madly in love with you, and He's going to walk through every single hard season (or day, or moment) right by your side, as long as you let Him.
You don't have to have it figured out. Just come to Jesus, and let Him handle the rest.
As I choose to cling to these truths, the anger subsides a little and I draw closer to the Father. Holding onto the truth is a crucial part of fighting spiritual warfare, and even these simple reminders pull me into who Jesus is and who I am called to be. And with intentionality, my heart posture begins to shift, and freedom follows.
So, yes, sometimes I get mad at God. I get frustrated and wonder where He's at or why He's not working in the ways that I thought He would. But it's okay. I think what matters most is that in my anger, I'm trying not to run away from God, but instead towards Him, and allow His grace to seep into the hardened, hurt parts of my heart. Sometimes I spend so much time trying to "fix" my emotions that I get more caught up in them than I would be if I just sat in it for a minute to process and pray. God isn't bothered by my anger or hurt or frustration or confusion - He knows I'm human, and He understands all of my inner most thoughts. But He can't bring healing or blessing or peace if I'm not bringing my heart first to Him.
That's my challenge for you and I today. Let's bring our hearts to the foot of the cross, and make space, allowing Him to work and tend to our souls. Because God is loving, and He still chooses us - no matter what.
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